


Kemi, April 6th, 2006

by ChristianHowe



Series: Revontulet [17]
Category: Sonata Arctica
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-11 16:17:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10469109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristianHowe/pseuds/ChristianHowe
Summary: Tommi and Marko take Jani home for sauna.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's note: the characters I write about have nothing to do with the real ones.
> 
> Disclaimer: Not mine and, thank g*d, not true.
> 
> Warning for self-harm.
> 
> Thank you, Helena Snow-Renn for beta and so much more! ♥

Ella's eyelids are drooping like she'll succumb to sleep in a matter of minutes when Pirre hears Tommi's footsteps on the stairs: As always – he's a drummer, after all! – his timing is perfect. Earlier today, he and Marko had spontaneously decided on some practice for the rhythm section. They'd driven to Hepola in the afternoon but had promised to be back in time to put Ella to bed – what with the upcoming tour, Tommi wouldn't miss that.

She looks at her husband when he enters the room, drinks in the smile that immediately spreads on his face like it always does when he's with them. Tommi would never have made it in a touring band if Marko wasn't there with him, his 'other' significant other.

Right now, however, Sonata Arctica are not on tour, and Tommi gets to say good night to their little daughter. Pirre rises from the bed where she'd been sitting and walks right into Tommi's arms.

"There's a surprise waiting for you downstairs," he tells her after greeting her with a quick kiss.

"There's a surprise for you, too," she replies. "I've got the sauna fired up and dinner is prepared for afterward."

"You rock," Tommi beams at her and kisses her again, then releases her so she can go and satisfy her curiosity as to what they've got for her.

She finds Marko outside on the terrace smoking – with Jani.

"Hei," Marko greets her. "Look what we found at our rehearsal pad. It looked so cute that we thought we'd take it home so we could show it to you." He grins.

"Shut up, you idiot," Jani mutters, but he's smiling at her. "Hei, Pirre."

"Jani, long time no see," she smiles at him, too, but his smile falters. So he must still be on his – perpetual – downward spiral, she thinks, and likely interprets her comment as criticism. "Means I enjoy seeing you now all the more," she adds and hugs him. To her relief, he returns the hug and rests his head down against her shoulder.

It's almost like old times. She can't dismiss how rundown he looks, however. He's put on even more weight than when she'd seen him last, the night Sonata returned from the gruelling US tour. His face is pale and puffy and the dark circles under his eyes speak of sleepless nights, which he indirectly confirms with a deep yawn. The way he leans into her now makes her want to put him to bed and tuck him in like she just did with Ella.

"Feels good," he murmurs against her neck."

"Does," she confirms and hugs him a little tighter.

He smells of smoke and beer and possibly some stronger liquor, which, unfortunately, doesn't surprise her. Jani has always had a problem with drinking, but now he looks as if it's really taking over and she fears that he's probably spent those sleepless nights hammered to the point of passing out.

"Now that you're here, will you join us for a sauna and dinner?" Pirre asks. It isn't really a question; she has no intention of letting him leave again. "I'll drive you home afterward, of course," she says.

Jani laughs bitterly and tenses. "Actually, I'd gone to Hepola so I wouldn't be at home, also planned to sleep there. Things with Jenny... are a little... tense at the moment."

Just what he really doesn't need, Pirre thinks. She remembers only too well what it was like when Heidi ended things with him. Jani had been a mess for weeks until he'd stumbled head over heels into a new relationship with Jenny. It had turned out surprisingly well and for the first time since she'd met him, Pirre had felt confident that he was finally settling down. That he'd fought with Jenny during the US tour, well, things were different when they were on the road and she'd hoped they'd make up as soon as he got home, but apparently that hadn't happened.

"You know that there's always a place for you here," she reminds him. "We love to have you with us. And if I'm not enough there's always Ella," she jokes. Jani adores Ella and mentioning her never fails to put a smile on his face, but tonight even that doesn't seem to work.

"I'm not sure she should see me these days," he says. "I'm not exactly a prize."

"Then you'll just have to sleep long enough tomorrow, so she'll already be at day care when you get up," Pirre suggests practically. "But I'm not letting you leave for Hepola again tonight. Besides, how would you even get there?" He's lost his licence for drunk driving and from what she's gathered he's more or less broke, so a taxi isn't an option either.

"I went by bus," Jani explains.

"Well, there won't be a bus at this time of night," Pirre replies, "so I'm afraid you're stuck with me." She winks and this time he reacts like she's hoped.

"I can think of far worse things than being stuck with you." The sincerity in his ice-blue eyes makes her swallow. Also, although he's said it lightly, Pirre has no doubt that Jani can not only think of far worse things but that some of those things are a reality in his life.

"It's a deal, then. Sauna and dinner, followed by a good night's sleep. It won't hurt you," she can't help adding. It's been almost ten years since she was his legal guardian, yet she still feels responsible for him.

"I think you may have a point there," Jani admits. He relaxes a little and leans against her again for a moment before letting go. "Thank you."

"Always," Pirre says and ruffles his hair. It makes him laugh. Good. Maybe some things are still like old times.

Ten minutes later, Jani has stashed his guitar in the guest room and joins them in the sauna with a towel around his waist. Usually, when she's with Tommi and Marko, Pirre doesn't bother even with a towel in the sauna, but with Jani she's always worn a gown, at first because he was a minor, then later because they wanted each other so badly and it would have been too much to be naked around each other.

He sits next to Pirre on the top bench while Marko stays below with Tommi, whose migraine sometimes flares up when he gets too much heat. They don't talk but she feels that Jani is more at ease now. After a while Tommi and Marko excuse themselves. Pirre looks at Jani, but he shakes his head, indicating that he's good for another few minutes. She throws more water on the stones and closes her eyes when the steam hits, her contented sigh drawing an immediate echo from Jani.

Eventually, they decide to go cool off, too. Pirre is looking forward to rolling around in the snow – yes, it's a total cliché, but she loves it. Only, tonight they don't get that far: as soon as they're outside, they find themselves under a surprise snowball attack by Tommi and Marko. Now this is definitely like old times! Jani grins at her: challenge accepted.

"Aim at Tommi," Pirre instructs him. "Make still can't hit a thing." Tommi's aim is as deadly as it already was years ago, though. As they soon find out, Jani doesn't fare much better than Marko, but he immediately changes tactics and starts forming snowballs, thus providing ammunition for Pirre. In a matter of minutes, Tommi raises his hand in defeat, and they all tumble down on the ground, laughing like loons.

"You two stay and roll around as long as you like," Tommi remarks; he knows Pirre's favourite mode for cooling down. "I think I'm going back in now, though." He gets up, shakes the remaining snow out of his towel – and hair – then returns to the sauna followed by Marko.

"I'd almost forgotten how much fun we used to have," Jani muses when they've caught their breath. "Are we getting old?"

"Never," Pirre assures him with a laugh. "This will never stop being fun. It looks as if you could do with more practice, though," she adds. "How about I offer myself as a target instead of rolling around in the snow?"

Jani looks at his hands. "Considering my epic fail a minute ago, I think you'd be better off cooling down the traditional way by rolling," he replies dryly.

"Then maybe you need a little challenge," she grins and throws a handful of snow at him. Before she can scuttle away from him, he grabs her playfully and wrestles her down. She shrieks and tries to get away and Jani tries to stop her. They're both laughing again – until he comes to lie on top of her.

Suddenly, everything is changed. This isn't a silly game any longer, because Pirre can feel his erection against her thigh and there's no way to ignore the yearning of her own body for him. Jani's eyes are wide, surprised, scared even, and this is clearly not what he'd intended.

Time freezes. In a movie, Tommi and Marko would come out of the sauna again now, but nothing happens – not that anything bad would happen if they were interrupted now: Tommi isn't jealous. A long time ago, he'd even suggested that he'd be fine with Jani and Pirre being together, too, just like Pirre was happy that Tommi also had Marko. Jani had, however, declined the 'offer'. He hadn't given Tommi a reason, but considering how deep his feelings for her ran Pirre had thought it was maybe for the better that he chose to keep his distance and find someone else eventually, someone he didn't have to share.

Right now, she isn't so sure any longer if it was the right decision. Jani's relationship with Jenny is going downhill and Pirre _wants_ him, badly. The expression in Jani's eyes shows her that the feeling is mutual.

They're drawn to each other and when their lips meet, it isn't a second too early. Jani devours her mouth and she kisses back, frantically, teeth clashing, both of them desperate with a need that she now feels has only lain dormant, not waned. And yet...

She's disappointed as well as relieved when he withdraws, but most of all confused when he begins to swear.

"Vittu! Pirre! I shouldn't have... I can't do this! Not to you of all people!"

She can hear that he's about to hyperventilate, which won't lead anywhere good. As much as her body already misses his warmth, she has to be the sensible one. In that respect, nothing has changed.

"Jani, listen to me." She sits up next to him and runs her fingers through his hair, hoping that it will still soothe him. "It wasn't only you. It was both of us, caught in the moment."

Should she tell him how much she still wants him? It's probably not a good idea given how upset he is, so Pirre continues to card his hair: let him calm down before talking – _if_ they're going to talk, which is a question with a capital 'I'.

To her surprise, Jani speaks up. His voice is shaking, but the words are clear. "I can't do this to you. Pirre, you have no idea how much I want you, but I can't drag you down with me. I'm such a mess and you have Ella and Tommi who love you and who need you. I may be incapable of taking care of myself, but there's no way I'll let you wreck your life by dragging you into mine. I..."

He clenches his hands into fists. "Vittu, I need a smoke!" Jumping to his feet, still clearly agitated, he looks at her. "I'm sorry, Pirre. I'm so sorry..."

Jani looks as if he's about to burst into tears. Pirre recognises it because that's how she herself feels, too. "It's okay," she manages to say and is rewarded with the tiniest of smiles. "We're good." She smiles back, knowing it's a little forced, but she needs him to believe her. "You trust me, don't you?"

Jani takes a deep breath. "Always."

"Then let's go and find your cigarettes." She holds out her hand, and to her utter relief, Jani takes it.

Crisis averted.

For now.


	2. Chapter 2

Five minutes later, Jani finishes his cigarette. They sit on the small porch of the sauna hut in silence, the barely perceptible crackling of the cigarette's embers when he draws on it the only sound in the chilly night. As always, Jani takes care to not exhale the smoke in her direction, and Pirre muses how it is that Jani, who's so considerate when it comes to others, is at the same time so utterly incapable – or unwilling? – to look after himself. Or is it maybe also her fault for caring too much when he was younger, at an age when he should have learned to tend to his own needs?

Jani's period of young adulthood has been anything but normal, though, and a large part of it had nothing to do with her. He'd barely managed to find his feet after losing his parents, followed by the disaster with the lying bitch's pregnancy scam, when Sonata Arctica had come to international fame overnight. Life as a rock star has its own temptations and Jani has always been a little too fond of drinking.

So far, the friendship of the other band members on one side and Jenny on the other have provided a kind of safety net for him. However, the recent rift between him and Toni, whom Jani has admired ever since they'd first met, has torn a large hole in that net. Jani's fighting with Jenny worries Pirre even more; she thinks that Jenny is probably the only person who can outweigh Toni's disapproval of him. If they break up, Pirre has no idea how Jani will handle it, but she fears that his downward spiral may eventually reach a point from which there's no return.

All the more she appreciates that Tommi has somehow managed to make Jani come home with him and Marko tonight. The guys have been back from the US tour for more than a month and Jani hasn't been in touch since then. He's visited briefly once, the day after their return, to give Ella a present, a plush wolf from Canada that she's been inseparable from ever since.

Other than on that day, Pirre hasn't seen him nor heard from him, and neither have Tommi and Marko. From what she gathered of her men's conversations, Toni is rabid about their guitarist's vanishing act and the fact that Jani has chosen the rehearsal pad to hide out after fighting with Jenny suggests that he's withdrawn from his other friends as well.

So, yes, she's worried, and very much so. Still, Jani isn't one to answer questions about his well-being – or about anything else for that matter – so Pirre won't find out what's going on with him unless he starts talking of his own accord. Knowing Jani, even before he withdrew, this isn't going to happen.

Still, she thinks as she sips on her glass of red wine that Tommi, considerate as he is, has left for her on the porch together with a beer for Jani, at least right now Jani seems to be reasonably calm and comfortable. It could be way different given what happened after the snowball fight, and she's grateful that he looks at ease now.

He doesn't shy away when she takes his hand and presses it – quite the opposite: He even smiles at her, if a little tightly, and squeezes back.

"We're good," Pirre says, not letting go of his hand. "You know that, right?" Years of dealing with him have taught her that Jani always operates under the worst set of assumptions and she needs to make sure he's okay. Knowing him, she thinks he needs to hear her say it.

"I know." He gives her hand another squeeze.

Jani's hand is cold and Pirre notices only now that his skin has tightened into goose bumps. Of course, being Jani, he hasn't said a word about feeling chilled. She suppresses a sigh as she pulls him to his feet.

"Come on, let's get back into the sauna. You don't want to start touring with a cold next week."

"I don't want to start touring, period," Jani replies so quickly that her eyebrows shoot up.

So yes, the US tour has worn him down, but that tour has been way too long and even Tommi had enough after those seven weeks. Jani not wanting to tour at all, however, is something she's never expected to hear from him: Toni is the Sonata Arctica member who always gripes about touring and keeps announcing that they should become a studio-only band – to which Jani has, so far, always been the first to object.

"I mean it," he continues when she stares at him. "This... I can't deal with it anymore. The tours... It's too much. I... I'm losing control," he confesses. "All the drinking and..." He interrupts himself and swallows. "When Toni... made me quit... Sonata is my life and yet... All I felt was relief."

Jani's eyes burn into hers. "I felt free. No more weeks of being stuck on that stupid bus with the guys. I love them but I can't take it anymore. Too much time to kill and yet you don't have time for anything, can't get anything done. I want to make music, write my own, not play the same songs every night for months in a row, then get hammered because there's nothing else to do. I..."

His shoulders slump as he looks down in defeat. "So yes, I wanted – want – out. But even Toni couldn't find a replacement for me on such short notice. So there's no escape for me." Jani laughs bitterly. "A few years back, touring was heaven for me. Now it's become my own personal hell. I can't do it, Pirre. It's killing me."

Finally he's opening up to her. "Have you talked about this with the guys?" she asks. "I don't mean Toni, but have you spoken with Tommi?"

"I..." Jani begins, but before he gets any further the sauna door opens and a laughing Tommi and Marko exit. It's typical, perfect timing, as in the exact opposite of it. Pirre suppresses a frustrated curse. She doesn't blame her husband and friend, but once again a precious opportunity is lost. She can see Jani shutting down. Now she won't get anything more out of him tonight, and it's unlikely that she'll even see him again before the tour.

"You two go have another round, but we're done," Tommi tells them as he and Marko walk by. "Is it okay if we don't wait for you with dinner? I'm starving."

Before Jani can announce that he won't have another round and that he should really leave now as Pirre is sure he intends to, she nods at her husband. "Go ahead. It's only sandwiches, though. Ella helped make them." She smiles. "We have enough to feed an army. Eat as many as you like, there'll still be enough for us later."

Tommi beams at her, then he and Marko walk toward the house and Pirre pulls Jani with her into the sauna. "You're not going to desert me now, are you?" she asks, her voice making it clear that she won't accept no for an answer.

Climbing up to the top bench, she moans happily when the heat engulfs her. Jani is lingering but when he closes the door to the ante-room she's relieved to register that he's inside with her. The only light is the glow from the stove and she can't see what he's doing but he hasn't fled, which she counts as victory.

Whatever she expected him to do next, however, throwing water on the stones before he's joined her on the bench isn't it: Hearing the sudden hiss surprises her. Why doesn't he sit down before... Pirre frowns when her foot touches the water bucket, which is out of Jani's reach. Then the smell hits her nose and she reacts on instinct.

Jumping down from the bench, seizing his hand and yanking it away from the stove, she yells at him, "Are you out of your fucking mind? What the hell is wrong with you?" Tears of sudden rage and frustration are streaming down her face as she pulls him to the ante-room and forces his hand under the cold water tap.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?" she repeats, but the rage has already dwindled and turned into sadness. "Jani, sweetie, what are you doing to yourself..."

He isn't fighting her any longer. "I can't go on that tour," Jani whispers. "I just... Pirre... I can't do it."


	3. Chapter 3

"Everything okay?" Tommi looks up from his newspaper when Pirre enters the kitchen and immediately rephrases his question. "What happened?"

"Jani burned his hand on the stove," Pirre replies as she fetches the first aid kit from the cupboard. Perhana, she should really have one of these in the sauna, too. What if it had been Ella who'd been hurt? There's no way Pirre could leave her little girl alone in such a case while fetching the kit. She'll take care of it first thing in the morning!

Tommi looks at her for further explanation, but Pirre is reluctant to say more. Regardless of what her intuition suggests, she's still hoping that it was an accident. Instead of elaborating, she picks a cold pack from the freezer and contemplates what else she'll need.

"How bad is it?" Tommi asks eventually. "Do you need help? I can drive you to the hospital. Make is upstairs – online poker – but he's here for Ella if she wakes."

"I don't know. We put his hand under cold water first, so I haven't looked at it yet," Pirre informs him. "I guess I'll find out in a minute. It may very well be a hospital job. I'll let you know."

Tommi gets up and embraces her gently. She allows herself to breathe for a moment and rests against his chest, feeling safe in his ever-steady presence. "Thank you."

"You'd better go," Tommi says as he releases her. "I'm here if you need me."

Pirre nods. She's a little surprised that after her initial outburst she's managing to stay so calm, but she's trained emergency personnel. If she'll break down, it'll happen when the crisis is over.

As she leaves the house, she also picks up a flashlight that's brighter than the gas lantern in the sauna's dressing room.

Jani hadn't moved while she'd been gone. He's still sitting on Ella's stool with his hand under the running tap and a wooden expression on his face. Nor does he move when she takes his injured hand and inspects the wound before returning it under the water.

It doesn't look too bad, she's seen much worse at her work at the A&E, but Pirre decides that she isn't taking any chances. Not with Jani, especially if his hand – his career, music, the only thing that sometimes seems to keep him willing to live – is on the line.

"Can you get dressed while continuing to cool your hand?" she asks him. "I'm taking you to the hospital."

To her surprise, Jani doesn't contradict her, but struggles to get into his briefs and pants when she holds them out to him. He needs more help with his socks, then it's time for his shirt and sweater. Pirre turns off the water and covers the wound with a burn dressing. She fixes the cold pack with a bandage, then helps him with his remaining clothes.

His bandaged hand won't fit through the sleeve of his leather jacket, so Pirre tells him to wait while she fetches one of Tommi's coats. She quickly slips into warm clothes herself, then tells her husband that she's taking Jani to the A&E. Tommi kisses her and after she promises him that she'll call if she needs help she leaves.

They don't talk during the ride. Jani looks as if he's shut down, which he probably has. She hopes that he'll remain in this state until they reach the hospital because as soon as he comes out of it he'll be in serious pain.

When she coaxes him out of the car and he follows her to the A&E entrance, Pirre is still surprised that he isn't fighting her: Jani hates hospitals with a vengeance. While a part of her is worried that he isn't refusing to have the injury treated, she appreciates that he's, for once, cooperating.

Tuula greets Pirre at the triage station and smiles, but when they're about to start the admission process, Jani suddenly whispers, "Not feeling so great..." Pirre barely has time to catch his arm when he sags against her. Tuula quickly comes to her aid and they manhandle him onto the nearest trolley bed.

"I guess that puts you ahead in the queue," Tuula quips dryly. "Then again, it's a quiet night, so it won't make much of a difference. What's his deal?"

Everyone in her department knows that Pirre's husband plays drums for Sonata Arctica and most of them are familiar with the rest of the band, too; they're local heroes, after all. The equation that being a metal musician adds up to substantial drinking may be a cliché, but in Jani's case it's unfortunately true. Still, that's not what caused tonight's accident, regardless of how much Pirre wishes it were the case. No, by Jani's standards, he was stone cold sober when he touched the stove.

She shoves the thought aside for now and focuses on the issue at hand – and suppresses a groan at the unintentional pun. "Jani burned his hand on our sauna stove," she explains. "We chilled it with cold water, then decided that it should be looked at and came here."

"Oh, ouch," Tuula comments. "Then he'll want something for pain first. I'll see what I can do about that, then be back later for the paperwork." Without further ado, she takes off.

Once Tuula has left, Pirre closes the curtain around Jani's bed to provide a modicum of privacy. He's pale and drenched in cold sweat. That and the tightness of his mouth tell her that the pain is now hitting him full force.

"Make it stop," he whispers.

Pirre takes his good hand and promises, "We're working on it." She strokes a strand of hair from his face and hopes that they won't have to wait long.

"I... That..." Jani opens his mouth and closes it again. Pirre isn't sure what he wants to say but before she can ask, Tuula returns with one of the doctors in tow.

"Evening," the physician introduces himself to Jani after greeting Pirre with a short nod. "My name is Eero and I was told that you burned your hand. I'm going to take a quick look. Can you tell me what happened?"

Jani's hand tightens on Pirre's as Eero begins to cut off the dressing. "I... not sure... It hurts," he presses out through clenched teeth and screws his eyes shut.

"Sauna stove," Pirre offers and the doctor nods. 

"Now why would you do that, these evil stoves never let you win when you challenge them," Eero comments and Pirre rolls her eyes at the pathetic effort at a conversation. The goal is to distract Jani from what he's about to do, of course. It seems to work: Jani's eyes open wide when he apparently interprets the attempt at small talk literally. He doesn't reply, however, except for letting out a pained groan when Eero proceeds to unwrap his hand.

"Oh yes, I can see that this would hurt," the doctor confirms a moment later when he's got the dressing off. "It'll need some attention but let's give you something for the pain first. How much have you had to drink today?"

"Few beers... and shots in the afternoon, one beer right before... this..."

"Any known allergies?"

He shakes his head.

"Good. Do you have a history of drug abuse, in particular opioids?"

Jani hesitates and for a moment Pirre feels her heart sink. But then he bites his lip and shakes his head. She files his hesitation away under shock but it still leaves her uneasy. This isn't a good time to ask, though.

"Great." Eero instructs the nurse to prepare a Fentanyl shot and hang a bag of Ringer's lactate for hydration.

It takes another Fentanyl injection, but after the second shot, Jani finally relaxes. He doesn't let go of Pirre's hand, though, as the doctor cleans the wound. The latter takes some time and Jani doesn't say a word, doesn't ask how bad it is, nor how long it's going to take until he can play again – or if he'll be able to play again.

Pirre keeps her eyes focused on his and hopes he can't read her thoughts. She hasn't missed the expression on his face when Eero had asked, jokingly, why he'd burn his hand. Nor has she forgotten Jani's announcement that he didn't want to tour just minutes before the accident that may not have been an accident. She knows she'll have to ask him eventually, but not now: If Eero found out that Jani hurt himself deliberately, he'd have to call for a psych consult. Pirre has no doubt how that would end; it would only serve to make an already tense situation worse.

While she keeps holding his hand and smiling at him, it's clear that Jani isn't happy but other than that, she can't read anything off of him. Her suspicion that he did this on purpose gains momentum, though, when she remembers what Tommi and Make discussed in the context of the decision to include pyrotechnics for their upcoming summer festival in Kemi.

The use of fireworks would of course spice up their – any – stage performance. The audience loved pyrotechnics, but there had been accidents in the past. A particularly nasty one had happened to Timo Kotipelto, vocalist with Stratovarius, a band Sonata was good friends with. Thank goodness, Timo's burned hand had mostly recovered, but Stratovarius had had to call off their upcoming tour due to the risk of infection. To Jani, Timo's accident and the resulting tour cancellation must read like the perfect script to get out of touring with Sonata...

Eero finishes with his task and asks Pirre if she wants to dress the wound: although she isn't on duty tonight, she's a health care professional. Considering Jani's state, it's a courtesy that she appreciates a lot.

Probably due to shock but also from the medication, Jani has zoned out. Pirre listens to Eero's instructions while she applies the dressing: Don't drive while on medication; take the prescribed prophylactic antibiotics, and most of all, don't let anything, not even water, touch the wound. Return for a change of dressing in two days, which is also when they'll be able to tell how bad it really is. Pirre gets that Eero is carefully optimistic that the hand will fully heal, but all bets are off if infection should set in, so he refrains from offering a prognosis at this point.

They're released a little later with painkillers for the next two days in addition to the antibiotics. Jani doesn't say anything when they step into the car. Pirre wonders if she should offer again to drive him to his place: regardless of the fight or whatever happened there earlier she knows that he really loves Jenny and that Jenny loves Jani and won't kick him out, especially not now that he's hurt. But then Jani's good hand reaches for hers again and she decides that he's coming home with her.

Decision made, she gently squeezes his hand before she has to let go. Breaking the contact feels like severing an umbilical cord but she needs her hands to drive. She starts the car and they ride home in silence.


	4. Chapter 4

"I shouldn't be here."

Jani hasn't said a word during the drive but when Pirre is about to unlock the front door, he suddenly speaks up. Careful, she tells herself. Jani has always been fragile. He masks it well from the world with his don't-give-a-shit attitude, but she's seen him in his teenage days with his walls down, and she can see right through them now. A part of her thinks that Jani is aware of this, that he allows it. Maybe that's because he knows he can trust her as, unlike others, she's never betrayed him or let him down. At least that's what she wants to think. As much as her ego likes the idea that she's the only person he trusts this much, she hopes for his sake that she isn't.

Right in this moment he needs to be with someone who supports him a hundred per cent and not remind him of his screw-ups, of which there are many. Pirre isn't blind to his faults, nor that he usually hides his head in the sand and pretends to ignore them. Jenny had once confided to her that she was envious – not resentful, just wishing Jani would trust her at this level, too – that Jani at least listened to Pirre when she addressed one of his issues. He wouldn't act on what Pirre said, but unlike with Jenny he didn't deny that he might have a problem here or there, and also, unlike with Jenny, Jani didn't fight with her over such a thing.

This in mind, Pirre is pretty sure that when Jani says he shouldn't be here it doesn't mean he wants to be somewhere else, not in the sense of a particular place at least. Still, she needs to ask, if only to keep a conversation going.

"Where would you be? Home? I'll be happy to take you there, just remember that you'll always have a home with us." The latter, she had to add; knowing him, he'll interpret the offer of driving him to his and Jenny's place as Pirre's wish to get rid of him.

Jani snorts. "Somewhere where I can't hurt anyone. But I doubt that such a place exists." His voice sounds bitter.

Even if there was a place where he could live and never meet anyone else, he'd still hurt himself, Pirre thinks. She doubts, though, that he includes himself in the definition of 'anyone' who shouldn't be hurt. "Well, then you may as well stay here," she says a little dryly, appealing to his sense of sarcasm.

"Good point," he replies equally dryly, but shakes his head when he continues. "But I really shouldn't... Pirre... Of everyone I know, you're the one I want to be with most, and at the same time I should stay away because you deserve so much better than having me close where I'm only causing you pain."

She's turned around while he's been speaking and she meets his eyes when she slowly replies. "Then you'll see the logic in staying here right now because I'd worry a lot knowing you're out there somewhere maybe needing help and not receiving it."

Jani looks down. He may be depressed but he isn't stupid and apparently can't think of a quick way to defeat her logic. She's 'won' this round although it doesn't feel like a win. At least she can keep an eye on him while he's at his most vulnerable.

As soon as they enter the hall and kick their shoes off, Pirre notices how tired she is. And hungry, she's positively ravenous. Maybe food will serve as distraction for Jani, but she needs something to eat in any event.

"I'm starving," she tells him, "and I'm sure a sandwich won't hurt you either." His eyes suggest that he isn't interested in food, but Pirre is not above using blackmail. "Ella would be very disappointed if you didn't at least try one. She made them for you, after all." The latter is a lie: Ella had already been in bed by the time Jani had arrived at her place, but who could tell if Tommi and Marko hadn't called ahead and appraised her of their guest?

"Okay, maybe I'll have one." 

The small lie was certainly worth telling, Pirre thinks when she sees Jani's face light up a little. Just like Ella worships Jani, he certainly loves Pirre and Tommi's daughter.

After they've taken off their coats Jani follows her to the kitchen, where Pirre immediately heads for the coffee-maker. She indicates that Jani should sit at the table while she opens the fridge to fetch the sandwiches. There's a note on the fridge door from Tommi informing her that her husband has made up the bed for Jani in the guest room.

Pirre can't help but smile. Jani doesn't know it and he'd deny it if she suggested it to him, but there's a whole bunch of people who want to look after him and help him with his problems. He isn't the monster that he makes himself out to be; he's a lovable person. Hell, everybody deserves to be loved and Pirre and Tommi, as much as anyone else, aren't exactly saints either.

However, she refrains from telling him and only places the plate of sandwiches on the table between them. They sit in silence while the coffee finishes brewing, then Pirre gets up and fills two large mugs. She adds milk to her own – black is for mornings, at night she likes milk or cream with it – and offers Jani the sugar pot. Although he usually drinks his coffee black and plain, he's always had a sweet tooth and now that nobody is here to wind him up about being a pussy for adding sugar, he accepts the pot from her with a weak smile. Things are definitely improving.

They still don't speak, but there's an excuse now, Pirre thinks as she wolfs down three sandwiches – she was hungry, no kidding! There's a hint of a grin on Jani's face as he watches her eat. True to his unspoken promise to not disappoint Ella, he has a sandwich, too, and the sigh he lets out when he gulps down the last of his coffee sure sounds content.

Pirre keeps smiling at him but she knows she needs to address what happened earlier in the sauna. It would be so easy to pretend that it was an accident but she's sure it wasn't and yet it could have been, that's why she has to find out. Still, asking outright is likely to destroy the delicate balance Jani seems to have regained.

She's relieved of making a decision – well, not exactly relieved of it but it's postponed – when Jani shifts around on his chair and opens his mouth without looking at her.

"You'll want to go sleep," he begins, "and I guess so should I. But... Do you think it's possible... I mean..."

He bites his lip. It's almost cute, Pirre thinks, wondering what he's about to ask of her. It's clearly something that's important to him. Considering what happened earlier in the snow... She holds her breath. What if Jani asks her to sleep with him? It's a long time since Tommi has told him that he was okay with it if the two of them...

"I should probably have a shower," Jani continues shyly. "But with my hand..."

Pirre gets the point. Going to bed without washing up after a sauna is _wrong._ Of course, she herself was going to shower, and she now curses herself mentally for not thinking of Jani wanting to clean up, too. About his hand...

"I think that should be okay if we wrap your hand up water-tight. A double plastic bag and gaffer tape should do the trick and you'd hold your hand away from the spray to be on the safe side."

He won't be able to reach everywhere with his good hand, though, and although Pirre isn't sure this is a good idea, she offers it nevertheless. "I can help you if you like."

Jani still doesn't meet her eyes and seeing his pale face turn slightly pink she expects him to turn her down, but to her surprise he nods. The desire to get clean must be strong, and she can relate to that – Jani is suffering from more than the daily grime followed by the sweat from the sauna; there's also the stickiness of the cold fear sweat from the injury and the hospital visit.

"Come on then," she says as she gets up. "Let me fetch you a towel and find you a pair of clean sweat pants and shirt." She turns toward the door to the hall, eager to get this started before they both lose their nerve.


	5. Chapter 5

Pirre leads the way. Of course, Jani knows where the Portimo's bathroom is, but he'll need a towel and something to wear for the night. She'll find both in the standard-issue electric sauna that was built-in when they'd bought the house. However, immediately after moving in, they'd decided that they wanted a wood sauna and so they had one erected in their garden. Nowadays, the original sauna is the place where they hang their laundry to dry as well as store towels.

After picking a pair of Tommi's sweat pants and a tee shirt, she adds a large towel to the pile. Jani will need a toothbrush, too, and she's got spare ones in the upstairs bathroom. She'll fetch one while Jani showers, so wrapping up his hand is next on the agenda.

Jani is waiting for her in the bathroom with hunched shoulders. "You don't have to do this," he says softly. "I mean help me wash and all."

"It's okay," Pirre reassures him. "As a nurse, I'm used to helping patients with washing. But I understand if it makes you feel uncomfortable." Thankfully, she's rarely been in situations where she needed help from others. One instance was when the midwife and a nurse had cleaned her up after Ella's birth when she'd been too wiped out to do it herself. Although she'd known that it had to be done she'd felt very uncomfortable – in part because these were her colleagues. At this remove, she thought that it would have been easier if they'd been strangers. It hadn't changed their working relationships, they are all professionals, but at the time it had made her feel very vulnerable and embarrassed. She hadn't really had a choice back then, but Jani has one now.

"No, it's..." A weak smile spreads on his face together with a faint blush. "If you really don't mind, I'd appreciate the help. I should be able to reach everywhere except a part of my back and the shoulder and arm of my good hand. I mean, this isn't the first time that..."

Suddenly, his eyes grow distant and all colour drains from his face. Apparently, they're both only now – belatedly – hit by the memory of what took place ten years ago almost to the date: when they'd first met the night Jani was wheeled into her emergency department after his father had attempted to cut off his teenaged son's right hand.

Pirre doesn't know if Jani is having an actual flashback, but he stares first at his hand, then at her with wide eyes, and she has her arms wrapped around him before she can think of anything else.

"Shh, I've got you," she whispers as she holds him, no longer the man she knows but the terrified 15-year-old. Jani is shaking in her arms and she feels his rapid heart beat against her chest. She pulls him close with one arm and cards his hair with her free hand, a gesture that always calmed him down when he was upset back in the days when he lived as a teen in her house. It seems to help now, too, as he begins to breathe a little easier.

He's still clinging to her with his face buried against her neck and Pirre continues to stroke his hair and back as she muses that, now, ten years later, he's an adult but he's still troubled and messed-up. Her heart yearns to make it better, yet she knows there isn't much she can do, except maybe...

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" she asks.

Jani's choked "Please" tells her everything she needs to know: this is out of compassion, for Jani's need to feel safe, sheltered, loved – and it isn't about love of the sexual kind, regardless of the undeniable attraction that's never faded between them, as witnessed earlier in the snow.

"Then I will," she whispers into his hair. She holds him for another while before loosening the embrace and Jani slowly moves away a little. He doesn't look at her when he whispers, "Thanks." It's probably better for both of them that he avoids her eyes as Pirre fears that she might start crying otherwise. She's used to drama, sometimes catastrophe, at her workplace in the A&E, but witnessing such pain and misery in a loved one will never stop getting to her.

"Right, now, your dressing..." Pirre reaches for the plastic bags and tape that she's brought from the kitchen.

Wrapping the injured hand up watertight doesn't take long. "Do you need help with your clothes?" she asks and Jani shakes his head.

"No, I'm good with undressing," he says. "All I need is some help washing my back and, uh, maybe my hair..."

Jani blushes a little and Pirre laughs gently. "I can do that. And I feel honoured that you'd trust me with your hair."

Now Jani laughs, too. "I trust you with everything," he confesses. He's all serious now but still smiling. Pirre thinks now is a good time to leave him alone for a moment so he can undress.

"I'll go grab toothbrushes for us, some sleepwear for me and let Tommi know that I'm staying with you," she announces.

To her relief, Jani doesn't withdraw when she mentions her husband. "Are you sure he's okay with it?" is all Jani asks. It proves to her that he really does trust her.

"I know he is," she confirms. "I wouldn't have offered it otherwise." As much as she loves Jani, her family comes first – or so she tells herself; Pirre hopes that she'll never be forced to choose between the two.

"I don't want to come between you. Ever." Jani's voice is sincere.

"I know that and I promise you that you won't." Their eyes meet and Pirre smiles. "I'll be right back."

* * *

Tommi is asleep when she enters their bedroom. She hasn't expected otherwise, and she stays in the door for a minute to watch her husband in the dim light from the hall. Sleeping Tommi radiates comfort and tranquility. Pirre can't help but smile as she feels the tension drain out of her. Tommi always has that effect on her, just like his smile makes the sun shine on a rainy day. She loves him so much that it hurts, it's as if he were a part of her, and he's of course also the father of her child, Ella, the miracle they've created together.

Tommi's heart is big enough to feel that Pirre's love for Jani doesn't diminish her love for him. If anything, as he's once told her, it makes him love her even more because she cares so much. When the whole Pertta scheme had come to light, Tommi had offered to break up with Pirre so she could be with Jani, who wouldn't hear of it. Later, Tommi would have been fine, even happy if Pirre and Jani had extended their friendship to include a sexual component, but Jani had again declined. Pirre had seen fear in his eyes, fear of getting in too deep maybe, she'd never asked, but aware of her own deep emotions she could relate.

Furthermore, she knows that Tommi's offer back then had had nothing to do with the relationship between him and Marko. Tommi had been attracted to Marko already the day they first met, almost like with Jani and her, with one injured and the other taking care. Unlike how it would be with Jani and her, however, Marko can give Tommi something that she can't. They've made it a point to never exclude her, though. In fact, it had initially been Pirre's idea to invite Marko to their bed, and she's never regretted it.

There is no doubt in her mind that, regardless of what she does about Jani or with him, Tommi has her back.

She sits on the bed and touches her husband's shoulder. Tommi yawns and stretches, and when he opens his eyes, he smiles at her. She can't see the green in the dim light, but she knows it's there, and she once again can't help comparing him to a cat. Tommi-cat, Jani had once called him, many years ago when they were goofing around. She smiles back at him.

"How's Jani?" Tommi asks immediately. "And how are you?"

"The doctor is what I'd call carefully optimistic. If all goes well, there shouldn't be permanent damage other than superficial scarring," Pirre explains and Tommi nods. He doesn't ask about the tour: Tommi loves being Sonata's drummer, but in this moment he's concerned about his injured friend, not the future of the band that is the second-most important thing in his life.

"I've offered to stay with him tonight," Pirre continues. She doesn't add _if it's alright with you,_ because she knows it is.

Again, Tommi nods. "If there's anything I can do to help, or Make..." He sighs. "If only that stubborn idiot would let anyone help. But maybe he'll let you in... I needn't tell you that we're worried."

This time it's Pirre who nods. Tommi respects Jani's privacy and hasn't spoken much about what happened during their recent tour, but she can read between the lines. That Jani is on a downward spiral is virtually impossible to overlook.

"You go be there for Jani," Tommi says. "If Ella wakes, I'm here, leave her to me for tonight."

Pirre nods again. Tommi is always there for Ella, so the fact that he's telling her now means that he wants her to not think about her family tonight but really focus on Jani and only Jani. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

They don't say it very often – they don't have to, but when these words are spoken they're very special.

After sharing a brief kiss, Pirre picks up her pyjamas and the toothbrushes she's come for. Tommi is already asleep again by the time she leaves their bedroom and makes a quick detour to Ella's room. Like her father, the girl sleeps almost diagonally in her bed, which makes Pirre chuckle. She kisses Ella's cheek, careful as to not wake her up, then she makes her way back downstairs.

* * *

Jani is waiting for her in the bathroom, undressed, with a towel slung around his hips, stepping from one foot to the other. "So how do we do this?" he asks nervously.


End file.
